I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
