sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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