I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
