Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
