i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
