I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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