Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
