All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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