And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
