I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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