You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
