that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
