On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
