My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
She's the barista slut.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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