it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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