im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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