Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
