I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
this boner is exhausting
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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