bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
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We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
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I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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