Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
