Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
