I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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