her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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