So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
