just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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