It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
