The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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