I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
