I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
