Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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