I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
