Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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