chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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