either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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