I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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