Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Terrible idea I love it
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
