I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
