We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
