He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
