Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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