So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
