Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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