The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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