Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
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someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
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God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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