Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
