Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize