there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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