I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
