I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
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I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
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i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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