I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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