Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
