i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
