Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
