I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
