I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
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