well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
