My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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