ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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